Random Internet Forwards I have received

The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary

Just tilt your head to the left

:-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie.
:-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smilie.
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-). >:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:

(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
:-)* User drools
:-*) User has a cold
:'-( User is crying
:'-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ Uer is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way
:_) User's nose is sliding off of his face
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead
-:-) User is a punk rocker
-:-( (real punk rockers don't smile)
:=) User has two noses
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...other side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Asian
<|-( User is Asian and doesn't like these kind of jokes
:-/ User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smilie
3:[ Mean Pet smilie
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K:P User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smilie
The invisible smilie
.-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin
Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smilies.
:) Midget smilie
:] Gleep...a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend

The Procrastinator's Creed

1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done
2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount
of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the
amount of time given.
7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to
change my mind.
10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.
11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the
task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior
to beginning the greater task.
12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is
13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles
(the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Adjust the tint on your TV screen so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way"

Drum on every available table surface

Staple papers in the middle of the page

Sew anti-theft detectore strips into people's backpacks

Hide dairy products in inaccesible places

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"

Set alarms for random times

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to "lick the flavor off"

Order a side of prok rinds with your filet mignon

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" sound

Honk and wave to strangers

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies

Decline to be seated at a resaurant, and simply eat thier complementary mints by the cash register

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Rouse your roomates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Magic"

Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode

Buy large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets

Pay for your dinnier with pennies

Tie jingle beels to all your clothes

Write "X-buried treasure" in random spots on road maps

Light road flares on a birthday cake

Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley

Leave tip s in bolivian currency

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador"

Push all the flat lego peises together firmly

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks

Wear a cape that says "magnificent one"

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song

Drive half a block

Name your dog "Dog"

Inforn others that they exist only in your imagination

Ask people what gender they are

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl

Forget the punchline of a really long joke, but assure the listener that it was a "Real Hoot"

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off in case "the big one comes"

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up

Change your name to James Aaaaaaaasmith for the great glory of being the first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce every "A"

Sit in your front yard pointing a hairdryer at passing cars to see if they slow down

Chew on pens that you have borrowed

Sing along at the opera

Mow your lawn with scissors

Finish all your sentences with the words "In accordance to the Prophesy"

Incessantly recite annoying phrases such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket"

Stare at the static on the TV and claim that you see a "Magic Picture"

Select the same song in the jukebox 50 times

Scuff your feet on dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any time

Never make eye contact

Never break eye contact

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears

Invite lots of people to other people's parties

* Horn broken. Watch for finger.

* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

* I brake for no apparent reason.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

* Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

If They Married:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be
Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry
Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman
Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd
be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to
marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name,
so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard
Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer
to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar,
then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu
the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar
(of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician),
she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory
Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short,
then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod
understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."


"It's widely known that Stills writes all these classic songs.
And Nash writes the popular stuff. So he gets all the money.
And I, I write the weird shit."

-David Crosby, just before playing "Deja Vu" in Minneapolis

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Sigmund Freud: As an expression of the repressed desire to have sex with its mother. The road symbolizes the barrier preseneted by the cultrual taboo.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Howard Cosell: It may ber well have been one of the most antonsihing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedents avain biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achivement formerly relegated to homo spien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To fulfill its nature on the other side.

Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldy cross the road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structurualism is DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!

Tomas de Torquemada: Because of Satan's influence. Corssing the road s heresy. The chicken must confess to its sins in order to be saved. I'll call another Inquisition.

Timoth Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Estavlishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long acorss the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B. F. Skinner: Because the external influences whcih had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while beliving these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt recessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstiein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objeccts "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich van Goether: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

E. O. Wilson: Under the influence of a road-crossing gene, selected because it conferred a survival advantage in the chicken's ancestral line. We could conjecture, for example, that crossing roads represents the grasfer of a behavioral trait whereby some chickens south to distance themselves from rivals, thereby distinguishing tem imn the eyes of poential mates and increasing their reproductive potential.

Sir Edmund Hillary: Because it was there.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the raod the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberatly... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mishima: For the beauty of it. The chicken's extension of its sinuous legs snet shivers of a dark despair into the souls not onlyof the silenly watching hens but also the rossters, who felt a sudden sexual desire for their exquisite comrade. The dark courage of the chicken was as beautiful as drops of dew upon jade at mindnight, struck b a partial moon, its light filtered through clouds. One of the deeply aroused rooosters could stand the intensity of the moment no more and bit off the head of the beautiful, courages chicken-hero, whose wine blood was delciously druken by the road, as he died.

Johnny Cochran: The chicken never crossed the road. Some chicken-hating genocidal, lying public official moved the road right under the chicken's feet while he was practicing his golf swing and thinking about his family.

Camus: The chicken's mother had just died. But this did not really upset him, as any number of witnesses can attest. In fact, he crossed just because the sun got in his eyes.

Lord Nelson: "I see no chicken."

John Wayne: "Cause a chicken's gotta do what a chicken's gotta do."


1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "loverboy/girl"
12. Nice shoes. Wanna sleep together?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Screw me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24.. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So... How am I doin'?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.


Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

-- First Base--

This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base--

Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base--

Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

--Home Run--

This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck-- Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out-- Duh!!
--Walk-- Kissing
--Bunt-- Masturbation
--Single-- Tongue kissing
--Double-- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels
--Triple-- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
--Inside the park home run-- Oral Sex
--Home Run-- SEX!
--Ground Rule Double-- would have sex, but no condom
--Error-- Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling-- sex without condom
--Hall of Fame-- Marriage
Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.
--Balk-- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar-- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher-- Vibrator
--Rain Delay-- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats-- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch-- Unusual positions
--Rookie-- Virgin
--Minor Leagues-- Under 18
--Loaded Bases-- manage a trois
--Grand Slam-- Sex four times in twelve hours
--Foul tip-- VD
--Three up and three down-- impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.
OLD WAY- "We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.
NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.
Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out...

(and other social catastrophes)

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.

10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

11. Order a bucket of lard.

12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are

14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.

16. Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.

17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live

18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.

19. Drool.

20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.

21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.

22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"

23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to

24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their

25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.

26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.

27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.

28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.

29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.

31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
anything on the table that isn't bolted down.

33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.

34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

35. Auction your date off for silverware.

36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.

38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgment in editing to twist their words

40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

41. Speak in pig Latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).

42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.

43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.

44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
lot cheaper than actually feeding her.

46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.

48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a similar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.

49. Accuse your date of espionage.

50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.

51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.

53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.

55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.


1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile if you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard ever line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
56. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
57. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
58. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
59. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
60. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?...(Yes)...From the inside?
61. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
62. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
63. Hi, how are you?
64. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) 'Cause I could see myself in your pants.
65. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
66. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
67. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
68. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
69. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
70. Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a women masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
71. I'm a hurdel do you want to jump me?

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.

b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.

c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
the most?

a. Innocence.

b. Idealism.

c. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard
for narrow-minded social conventions.

b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this
case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in
this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")

c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

(1) He is legally within the basepath,

(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and

(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to
cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.

b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.

c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.

b. A dog.

c. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear
blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.

b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want
to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the
sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and
opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.

c. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

b. "They're in school already?"

c. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended
for your legs.

b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.

c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming
names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his
underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have
a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact
that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before
they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.

b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.

c. He refused to ask directions.

12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.

b. Religion.

c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer
"c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy
would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point
bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat
down,he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter
reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the
table. The diner was impressed.

"Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he
determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By
carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive
the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert
determined that we
spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the
other end of that
string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to
pull out my penis, go, and
return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my
hands. It saves a lot
of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Lucky Leprechaun

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball laying beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer and proceeds to revive the little guy.

Upon awakening the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun and I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks to himself, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a fantastic sex life."

Well, a year goes by and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

"It's great! I hit under par every time."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill."

"I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week."

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

"Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.